TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after Trump Tower Damascus acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting notice from Intercontinental buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down company."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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